State Fair in Minnesota brings opportunities to spend money on the latest greatest slice it and dice it items in the merchandise building. I didn’t even set foot in the building. I passed on a Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings tee…admittedly due to the fact they were out of larges. By the time I regained my control, I realized I would have had remorse once I got home, had I bought it. (Then I got excited thinking of the possibility of it showing up in the downtown Salvation Army one day….and all was well). I did manage to buy her cd—-packaged in a paper cover rather than plastic. It is after all, supporting her art….and I am definately about that.
All I can think of these days is purging….getting rid of stuff. Simplifying. Lightening the load. There are times I look around the house and garage and can’t breathe…some of that I am sure is the overwhelm I feel thinking about having to go through it all. I feel out of control with my own life. How did that happen.?…10 years flew by like 5. I thought I had so much time to right things. The thought of purging feels freeing, but also feels like I am starting over……like my first job, apt, relationship. But it is not freeing at the same time it is. It feels like I’m letting go of what I know of myself..my history who I am. It feels strange. I’m in a go -cart at the starting line and the flag has dropped, and suddenly all the cars around me have gone and here I am pressing the gas all the way to the floor but not going anywhere.
In a gap between what I’ve know and trusted–of myself and people in my life– and the uncertainty, unknowing of what’s coming. Have I really made the wrong choices over and over and over? I sense it like a farmer senses weather coming in….seasons changing. Something’s brewing. I’m pushing the purging and seeing what happens out of the space opened up. Things shift out of simply doing. Let the shifting begin. Generously allow patience and space for the what’s next to appear. It’s like I’ve been swimming under water and come up and realize I’m miles away from where I thought I was. Rather than enjoying the view, the newness of the environment, and exploring it, I am panicing. Suddenly treading water with no map. Is this a Taurus thing? It is today in this racing brain, this heart, this soul. Woah sister. Enjoy the coffee and breathe. The go upstairs and work on that back room.