Scheduling yourself to death, OCD, past lives and vigor

I schedule myself to death, and am so easily bored when I actually have the downtime. I have trouble sitting still, yet I watch the world I walk through as if I’m sitting watching the vibrant dramady adventure movie I’m walking through. I’m writing the script, acting, shooting and editing.

I am fairly sure I died very early in a past life and, bygum, in this life I don’t want to miss anything or anybody. Insatiable appetite for experiencing all live has to offer, saying no to little. A vulnerable heart bursting with love, moved by the simplest things…trying to understand the why’s and how’s and how could they’s of what people to do themselves, animals, each other and this amazing planet we take from.

I am filled up with nature. It is my church. It is my muse and my soul salvager–there to pick me up and put the song back in my heart. It reminds me of my place in the whole of it. Rivers cry my tears, forests stand in deeps roots holding me up and delicate flowers reach towards the sun with beautiful fragility reminding me there will indeed be another spring of renewal, new seeds and new growth. I stand repecting and aweing the magnificence of it all. My problems pale in comparison.

I am not a patient person when I know what I want but painfully loyal. I find myself in the later parts of winter assessing my procrastinations. Stinging missed opportunities keep me awake at night and dreams of what I want and wake to shake off the must. I find the path again to forge ahead asking myself under my breath ‘Why am I here? Why am I here? Why am I HERE?”

We live in a universe of paradox. Calm chaos. Loving, hating and embracing both ends of the spectrum with equal vigor. Can’t stay attached to anything we think is good great deserved happy anymore than we can stay attached to dark bad deserved sad. It will all disappear and reappear in equal measure. “Even as a great rock is not shaken by the wind, the wise person is not shaken by praise or blame”.

Oh–and something about OCD. This topic has been coming up in conversations alot in the last year as aging parents of friends and family are moved from their homes. The piles of clutter left behind for someone else to clean and discard….the years of hording what one thinks is sacred, interesting and/or just worth keeping. I think this is worthy of a solo I’ll get back to that.

Let me wrap up with this: Wikipedia adds “In addition to these criteria (in their definition), at some point during the course of the disorder, the sufferer must realize that his/her obsessions or compulsions are unreasonable or excessive.”

To be continued……


4 thoughts on “Scheduling yourself to death, OCD, past lives and vigor

  1. yeslisa! your post really got me thinking…always does. you have a wonderful way of expressing things i’ve thought and haven’t been able to put into words.

  2. It’s late and I want to provide a more in depth comment tomorrow, but I must say I feel like you’ve stumbled upon a nice little term, “Calm Chaos.” The more I’ve “lived” the more I feel life is more satisfying in the search for balance, but not actually about reaching that calm center. I mean really? Why stop when the sky is limitless.

    Not enough people realize their potential today.

    Lisa turned me on to your blog, I think I’ll be reading from now on =)


  3. Hi Steven. Thanks for commenting and I look forward to more from you! I realize that the most growth I experience emerges from the chaos—and the calm allows me to see it.

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