Schwink or swim

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Been a bit of a bumpy week in some respects, completely fantastic and powerful in other respects. The paradox indeed….one defines the other by distinction. I have been trying hard to remain unattached to both sides of the paradox….the jabs, failures and setbacks on one side that in the past has sucked me in and sucked me dry. On the other side is generating, creating, being in action towards an unknown, step by step (energy generators). It’s been cold, warm, interesting, frustrating, loving, painful, joyus, fearful, fearless, abundant, grueling, effortless, difficult, impossible, possible and life-giving. The up side also something I need not attach to, a slippery slope. Some things I’ve been counting on didn’t happen (art residency), and I was momentarily taken aback. Very momentarily, as I knew the moment the decision was made many states away. I felt in in my gut, my heart, and my Mind. I began planning option B in my head before I got word. We work like that, us spiritual beings. We know……then we spend all our energy denying, pretending, manipulating, avoiding and on and on. I saw the outcome before it came and thought to myself “am I changing the outcome by these thoughts, this knowing (to which I quickly distracted my mind to think of something else) or did I sense Mind manifesting what’s next for me before it actually manifested.” Did I change my reality in the moment I was conscious of it or did that reality change me in that moment” I wasn’t upset really…curiously. Now, and then actually, I was/am free to choose another— and how quickly the other showed up effortlessly. Like floating down a river rather than struggling with the current, I was free to make choices….and great opportunities showed up.

Have you ever been honest enough with yourself to recognize that it’s over before it’s even begun? I’ve had this experience in the last couple years. I knew, I actually saw, how it would end before it began. I’ve learned so much about myself—and worked my butt off (literally) moving through lifetimes of stuff. Understanding, letting go, understanding, letting go, getting my ass kicked, letting go, letting go. I’ve learned that life really is short like they say, and what am I going to do with it? I shed the toxins, the negativity at the risk of being alone in my struggle….and indeed I am cuz there’s no one else out there but my world reflecting back to me. What has shown up is the most generous, loving, wise, intelligent, interesting, feeling, thought provoking, kind, thoughtful, authentic people and experiences. It’s not stuff…it’s people, it’s sunshine, birds, dogs, flowers, water, breezes, conversations, smiles, coffee and my bike that carries me through my newly discovered community.

What’s love got to do with it? Everything. That’s the source of it all and all is it. When I am present to love, really present…I get goosebumps. Now I’m not talking about the kind of love that people falling in love feel or the love you feel towards family or friends….that exists in the seen, heard and felt experience of our world.

I’m talking about Love…..divine, infinate, all encompassing Love. The kind of Being where you as an individual don’t exist and at th same time exist as all of it. It takes no more thought in itself as a raindrop does in an ocean. We are vast, limitless, infinate beings. Now—knowing that, where are you playing small in life? If you really understood this in your core, what would you be doing? how would you be doing it? with whom? what would you be putting up with? participating in?

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